It Was Just Bad Luck

That is what Gregg and I heard from the PA today at the follow up appointment we had after his heart attack on 10/22/2016, and Gregg and I are certainly frustrated with that bit of information. Now he has a damaged heart, and has to take a handful of maintenance drugs for the rest of his life, and can not eat anything that he wants to eat except maybe on special occasions.

I am truly glad that he is alive and still with me, but I have to be honest and say that I certainly am being affected by this emotionally more than I thought I would.

When Gregg had his heart attack, I was so grateful that he was being taken care of, and that there was the technology available to help him. I was never worried that he would die. After his surgery to insert the stent, the doctor relayed that it was good that I had gotten him to the hospital so quickly, that there was very little damage to his heart. The next day, she changed her tune. In fact every time we discuss it with a doctor, the facts change, and it is not in the positive direction.

Here is what we learned at the PA's today. Gregg had a 100% clogged coronary artery due probably to a fluke tearing of the lining of the artery wall. This allowed the fatty tissue to leak out causing the body to attack which created a blood clot which totally blocked the artery. So now, Gregg is classified as having Coronary Artery Disease, and needs to do everything he can to prevent another heart attack, but here is the kicker, since it was a fluke thing that happened, it could happen again. I was in tears when the doctor said that. I have been trying so hard to be positive, and to get on board with all the lifestyle changes that we need to make. I have listened to my kids gripe and complain as I have introduced a no fat, not sodium, no cholesterol diet into our household. They are definitely not on board, and no amount of telling them that they will be healthier is silencing them. Max and Jacey have either chosen to starve, smothered their dinner with soy sauce, or have pulled out all the new vegetables they are unfamiliar with. Ugh!! Seriously, having issues with being a caregiver right now. I can't fix or even sustain any of my family.

This wave of the emotional roller coaster is probably do to the fact that Jacey is having surgery in two days. Up until now, I have simply put it in the back of my mind because it freaks me out to think about what they are going to do to my daughter. In fact the doctor even warned us not to Google the surgery before hand. That is certainly scary to me. I have rationalized in my mind that I do not want her to be in pain her whole life, and have damage done because nerves are being impeded, and I have also rationalized that she is young enough that she has her whole life ahead of her. She is not freaked out about this. She just wants to feel relief. She is definitely more brave than her mother.

But here is what is happening to my brain. My husband is sick, and I can not fix him. My daughter is in pain, and I can not fix her. Max always has psychological issues when Jacey is getting all the attention, and goes into his survival cave. Which takes forever to get him out of. I can not fix him. So right now I am feeling a complete failure at being the caretaker of my family. I rationally know that I really am doing better than I think I am. I know that most of them know that I am giving my all to take care of them, but it isn't good enough. It is one of those moments in life where I have to give it to the Lord, and trust Him that he will take it the rest of the way. I am not very good at this part. Why is it that I can feel angels helping me so strongly one day, and absolutely know the Lord cares what is happening to us, and yet I don't have the faith to trust him to take care of us the next? I am certain He is getting tired of my prayers that say, "Heavenly Father please bless my unbelief."

I am praying for miracles, and also hoping I can start recognizing them sooner rather than later.