It is 4 in the Morning and I Can't Sleep
As you navigate through life, you have to evaluate from time to time just where the fight should be.
For the last two months, I have been trying to hang on while my family and I are experiencing the loss and reconstruction of our home. At the first of this adventure we were all okay. Not where we wanted to be by all means, but willing to do what needed to be done. Now two months later, I am a wreck.
I just want to go home.
I want to feel the security that my home gives me, but here's the twist, I want my home to be as nice as it was. I don't think that is too much to ask. Apparently, that is unrealistic.
Today, after a week of no one working on the house, and much complaining, workers came. They once again are doing sub standard work. I am so weary of this whole process. Right now I want to fire all of them and do the work myself. If I can do a better job, then why can't they?
Someone told me that when I move back into my home it will feel like a brand new house. I being frustrated with the whole process and therefore grumpy, told them that it would be a piece of crap.
What is keeping me up till 4 in the morning is this. If it is all just stuff, why is it so important to me? Why is the balance of my family hanging by a thread? Why is it that every time I walk through my house, I feel a sense of loss?
My home is not big. My home by the world's standards is not grand, but my home was my personal haven. A place set apart from the world, and with the bursting of my washing machine hose, that world crashed in. I am fighting very hard to get it back, and I desperately need to get it back, but is that where the fight should be?
Sunday I kept thinking about the scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that starts out "Establish a house of order", and ends with "Establish a house of God". I realized on a whole new level just how important this doctrine is. MY house is currently not in order. MY house is currently not a house of prayer. MY house is currently not a house of learning. In short, MY house is currently not MY house.
I need MY "house" back, and this is what I have learned through this horrific journey that we are taking. My house was not "just stuff". My house was where I go to feel closer to God. It gave me a place to feel peace away from the world, and I haven't felt that peace since this whole thing started. I know in my heart that the peace really comes from inside of me, but I am having a hard time feeling it right now.
I wish the workers working on my house would treat my home the way it deserves to be treated. My home is in a sense my family's personal temple, and the workers that are coming in and doing work are desecrating that temple by not caring about the quality of work that they are doing.
In all reality, just how am I suppose to convey this simple truth to them?
For the last two months, I have been trying to hang on while my family and I are experiencing the loss and reconstruction of our home. At the first of this adventure we were all okay. Not where we wanted to be by all means, but willing to do what needed to be done. Now two months later, I am a wreck.
I just want to go home.
I want to feel the security that my home gives me, but here's the twist, I want my home to be as nice as it was. I don't think that is too much to ask. Apparently, that is unrealistic.
Today, after a week of no one working on the house, and much complaining, workers came. They once again are doing sub standard work. I am so weary of this whole process. Right now I want to fire all of them and do the work myself. If I can do a better job, then why can't they?
Someone told me that when I move back into my home it will feel like a brand new house. I being frustrated with the whole process and therefore grumpy, told them that it would be a piece of crap.
What is keeping me up till 4 in the morning is this. If it is all just stuff, why is it so important to me? Why is the balance of my family hanging by a thread? Why is it that every time I walk through my house, I feel a sense of loss?
My home is not big. My home by the world's standards is not grand, but my home was my personal haven. A place set apart from the world, and with the bursting of my washing machine hose, that world crashed in. I am fighting very hard to get it back, and I desperately need to get it back, but is that where the fight should be?
Sunday I kept thinking about the scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that starts out "Establish a house of order", and ends with "Establish a house of God". I realized on a whole new level just how important this doctrine is. MY house is currently not in order. MY house is currently not a house of prayer. MY house is currently not a house of learning. In short, MY house is currently not MY house.
I need MY "house" back, and this is what I have learned through this horrific journey that we are taking. My house was not "just stuff". My house was where I go to feel closer to God. It gave me a place to feel peace away from the world, and I haven't felt that peace since this whole thing started. I know in my heart that the peace really comes from inside of me, but I am having a hard time feeling it right now.
I wish the workers working on my house would treat my home the way it deserves to be treated. My home is in a sense my family's personal temple, and the workers that are coming in and doing work are desecrating that temple by not caring about the quality of work that they are doing.
In all reality, just how am I suppose to convey this simple truth to them?
Comments
Post a Comment