Tender Mercy Moment

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a bad day, well week really.  I had recently listened to the talk CD that my friend Nedra gave to me, and I was REALLY trying to "love much and do all that I could do",  AND . . . I was failing miserably.  Little things kept coming into my mind and letting me know that I needed to do better. (Hind sight would tell me that the oppositionist didn't want me to believe this eternal truth.)  But seriously, how can I be so different from everyone else that is trying their hardest to do the right thing.

One night I exploded on my family while doing dishes.  My poor Jacey got the worst of it.  I wanted my family to love one another not endlessly tease each other.  My wise daughter then informed me that teasing each other is their way to show love.  To which I responded, "But, . . we need to hear the words too." 

The next day while still feeling terrible I took myself to the temple.  I decided to go to the Salt Lake Temple because the Salt Lake temple is the one that I have found comforts my soul.  I was looking for the strong person that was inside of me somewhere.  I wanted to remember a time in my life that I was someone other than just a mom.  I was hoping to see a friend that didn't judge me on the current events of my life.

So with those high hopes, I dressed for a session and sat in the waiting room pondering changes that I needed to make in order to put my life back into focus.  I anxiously looked at everyone who came into the room.  My spirit sagged everytime I didn't know them.  Just before the session started, a friend I highly admire from my old Parley's ward walked into the creation room with her husband, and I knew in my heart that my Heavenly Father had heard my prayers and had just given me what I had asked for.  It was a tender mercy that told me that I am still loved.  I was pretty emotional during the whole session, and looked forward to the time I could greet my friend again.  I notice that my friend wasn't walking quite right, but I didn't think too much of it since we are all getting older.

It was while I was waiting in the Celestial room that I learned from her husband that she was diagnosed with a brain tumor right before Christmas, and that she had just finished her radiation treatments, and had a few more treatments of chemotherapy to go.  Surgery is not an options because of the location of the tumor.  Her best chances are to keep it as small as possible for as long as they can.  Her husband told me she was doing much better, and that things were looking better. 

I felt deep sorrow in my heart because I didn't know.  Again, the nagging thoughts, "How can I show more love to those around me if I don't know?"

When Ann came into the room I hugged her, and told her I was sorry she was going through this mortal adventure that she would rather not be taking, and asked her if there was anything I could do.  She told me to keep smiling.  With the information that I had just been given, I could smile for my cute friend.  However, with the day I was having smiling was the last thing I wanted to do.

Heavenly Father gently taught me again.  (You know sometimes He needs to hit me over the head, and yell, "Would you just stop.  BE STILL!")

So this is what I learned from this experience.

1.  Heavenly Father loves me, and really does only asks that we do the best we can.  This includes learning to love others more.  Which is apparently going to take me this whole lifetime to figure out.
2.  Life is NOT about me.  My pity party was all about me, and I know that when I focus on me I am not happy. 
3.  My highly regarded friend, who is going through something very MAJOR in her life, had a smile on her face, and was rejoicing in the fact that she was at the temple with her husband.  I can learn much from her.
3.  Life is not easy, but I am setting a goal for myself right now:  To be the kind of person that I  want to be.  I have learned that I simply can't be what everyone else expects.  What is right for me and my family is different than what is right for you and your family.
4.  The moments in life when you need extra love and attention, and you need people to tell you that you are headed in the right direction, are the very moments that you are ignored.  Those are the times that you have to turn to your Heavenly Father and align your heart with His. Then you learn it for yourself.