Sometimes I Still Want More

I know I am very blessed and lucky to have two beautiful children. They were not easy to get here, and I waited a very long time for them. They are my life, but sometimes like today I wish that I had a few more. I have two friends who recently told me they were pregnant, one who is the best mother in all the world, and I look up to and admire her in so many ways, and the other who is very down to earth and inspires me not to worry so much.

Neither of them really "wants" to be pregnant right now, but one is choosing to follow inspiration, and the other was shocked and very surprised. I am happy for both of them. One of them will read this blog, and feel empathy for me. I want her to know that I am really truly happy for her, and I am glad that she shares her babies with me.

With that said, for some reason unknown to me, it has reminded me of a vulnerable side of my being that has never quite healed. I don't know why this was the trial the Lord asked me to bear, and I don't know why it still hurts even after so many years. I had a goal back when it was a daily part of my life, to not let it make me bitter. I had a marvelous network of friends that buoyed me up continually. I had an amazing boss, who would let me go to doctors whenever I needed to. I had family support, and most importantly, I had spiritual support.

I have told the story to many about the Divine Revelation given to me when Gregg and I were trying to concieve, but for those who have never heard the story I will fill you in. Gregg and I had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years when I reached a point of discouragement. I asked for a blessing from Gregg at the beginning of our quest, but I didn't really pay attention to what I really needed to hear at the time. The blessing said nothing about getting pregnant. A few months later, while visiting my dad, he asked if I wanted another blessing. This blessing started out very much like the first blessing had, but near the end, I heard the words, "and whether you are a mother in this life or the next, it matters not. Only that you are willing."

That night I was so distraught that when I tried to sleep, I just tossed and turned. Finally, I rolled onto the floor and cried to the Lord for help. If I wasn't ever going to have children, then help me take the pain away. The Lord heard my prayer, and sent me the help I needed. For shortly after I uttered my pleading words I heard and felt these word, "Mom, I am Here"

And, . . . I knew then that I did indeed have a child somewhere, and it no longer mattered how long I had to wait. For I knew that I was doing my part in the eyes of the Lord.

From then on the pain was lessened. Oh I would be lying if I said it was gone, but I was able to bear it, and many years later Jacey was born, and three years later Max was born. They truly are miracles of love from heaven, and even though I have only two, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows that if the situation was changed, I would have had more.

I need to remember that He is in charge of the plan, and that He knows more than I do. Maybe, just maybe, the pain will always be there. For maybe at the Judgement Day that is what will be the measure of my desires in this world.